- This topic has 18 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated by jez.
February 16, 2009 at 12:14 pm #6266
I am 43 yrs, have married since 2002, have 2 daughters. I am writing this here for some valuable advice from the people here, I am going through a worst and painful stage in my life .I feel it is better to divorce and leave my husband soon rather continuing further with such a cheat and a worst man. All these seven years of relationship I was hurted, cheated and pained by him. Even though in the sake of the purity of the marriage and the consideration of my kids I was continuing and adjusting on the trust on his words, the promise that he won’t do the mistake again.
The problem is that he had an affair with other woman now, she is from another country, they never met so far, they know by net, they were friends, and he started to initiate and brought in relation, he was telling to her that he never married
When 2005 I came to know this by the s m s in mobile, his answer was like this:
just I send as a fun only she also take the same way only, how can I do cheat to you and I am the father of 2 daughters, do you think that I am a s person like that, but it pained me a lot and that time onwards I started alert about him. But I found that they were in regular chat, he was going to office is for chatting with her or telephone her. Again in 2006 I have seen the messages in yahoo and mails, I asked him why if you don’t have interest why all this things, he said just friends only nothing there. he used to make terrible problem , if I ask anything, unwanted words using and scolding shouting, and blaming me that I don’t have trust on him,
very big mess he create and he will prove that I only wrong and mistake.
Again in 2007, I saw that some new gmail id’s in computer and I asked him why separate new id’s, same response, shouting , scolding , abusing me badly and accused me as a third rate person, when I asked password, later when he started office, he told this is the pass word
I have opened the mail, I smelled the wrong thing that only I asked, but there were no mails. But when I checked trash folder, I shocked to death point, by seeing all reality. Love, proposal and planning, I CALLED HIM AND ASKED, WHY YOU CHEATED ME THIS MUCH, WHAT I DONE TO YOU FO RTHIS HURT AND CHREAT TO ME. I was lost in heart and terribly shocked. The same dialogues from him that I do not have trust on him , if no trust there is no meaning of life, I stunned his words, what base I have to trust on him!!!!!! on that time after seeing all these mails and planning , he is shouting screaming and scolding me and said he is moving for divorce because , I am bad woman , never had trust on him. I felt fed up, enough now, let it stop .
Later he started to cry, and was holding me and told, sorry for the mistake I have done to you, I will never do it again, without you I can’t live, please don’t leave me . I told him I will be forgive and stay with you upon one condition, you should tell her that you are married and have children. The answer also was shocking, he told , if I tell her like that she will think that I am cheat, and he found the solution for that , I am going to tell her that my marriage is fixed by mother as per her wish and going to marry very soon. I accepted that also, because I had a guilty feeling upon that girl that he is cheating her by my husband, at least it will be end here, without more hurt to her.
HE DECLARED TO ME, YOU SEE HERE IN AFTER I WON’T DO ANY MISTAKE , INEVER CONTACT HER ALSO, IT WAS JUST FUN NOTHING MORETHAN THAT, YOU ALSO DON’T TAKE IT AS SERIOUS, FORGET EVERYTHING IF I HURTED YOU I AM SORRY, I PROMISE UPON MY MOTHER I WON’T REPEAT IT IN MY LIFE, IF I DO AGAIN YOU ASKE ME !!!!!. I SAID IF I FIND AGAIN I WON’T ASK YOU ANYTHING JUST STEP OUT FROM THIS RELATION,
Now again the same situation or more , after a year gap, in April 2008 he started contact her by email and chat, he is so much careful and deleting all evidences, when I found his chats, he stopped chatting, when I found her calls and his calls to her , he stopped calls, now by emails, he is thinking I don’t know, now there is no way, if I tell that I have seen mails, he will stop that, but now I have the trust that he won’t stop it, more than that I don’t want to continue more after many time incident, why should I continue more but whenever the wrong thing going on I am feeling it in my heart and mind, like that I found it again. And he started to drag her again and telling the stories that he never loved me, and marriage was mistake happened, as given an idea that I am a bad, cruel, ugly, illiterate woman. She demanded him divorce from me, he told her for that I am an orphan, he is the only care taker for me ,so he can’t leave me on the sudden they are planning to meet and dating, and live some other country.
I died in my heart when I came to know that he doubted my integrity, the truth is that he is the only man in my life until now.
I am like handicap now, the restart in life at the age of 43 is difficult , but I must charged for that I , But I would like to get opinion from you all and help me to take a decision upon this base , whether to leave this relationship is correct decision or not, I want you all opinion and suggestions. Many times I tried to talk with him or this is not first time it is 4 or 5 times happened , now I think , no use of further patch up.
I was complete in my relationship, selfless, honest and faithfull,sincier , caring and loving., i take care of all matters, worked for him and got business.
So I seeking some advice on this point of time about my relationship, whether I have to leave or fight for save it. Also I would like to get some advice about the career which I can do for my lively hood for my kids.March 5, 2009 at 4:45 am #6846
As I focus in on your husband, I see and feel complete emptiness. Most relationships have potential. This one does not. Your husband’s mental illness and emptiness will not allow him to have a successful relationship with anyone. He doesn’t have the capacity to love anyone or to be true to himself or with himself. He deep down inside hates women and feels no reason to show them any respect. He lives for the moment and cares only about himself. This will never change.
I am sorry but there is nothing you can do to make this work. He will never speak the truth. Divorce is inevitable
Take the kids to a family members house and live there with them. I feel a family member or female friend around you who will help you. Live with her for a while. If you don’t wish to do that, you and your daughters are better off at a safe family shelter. When I focus in on you in regards to a potential career, I have some ideas but I get a blurry picture for now.Why? because you are so confused that you don’t know what you’re good at and what direction to go. You will never have clear sense of direction UNTIL you heal from the abuse and torment you have suffered from him and rebuild your lost self esteem.
You have a pretty smile and a warm presence about you. Start by getting a job through a career/vocational service. Take any position that places you in direct contact with people – a receptionist or concierge at a hotel. You will meet people and better more financially lucrative management opportunities will be presented to you. You have compassion for people. You will be a terrific manger. Some will say you are their favorite boss. Once you become independent and self confident, I see you volunteering at a woman’s shelter – counseling others. You will have an opportunity to have someone help you write a successful book about your experiences to help empower other “lost” women. You will save lives. You will stop some from suicide or abandoning their children.
Yes. You can and will get their from here.March 6, 2009 at 8:39 am #6847
Amazing!!!! I am so much excited and couldn’t believe this. Your reading as per your vision very much correct and apt. Thank you so much for your effort and help for me.
I was checking here almost everyday for an answer for my confused stage, and would like to get an advice or opinion on divorce is correct or not. Now I am feeling supported and feeling less stress, no confusion and unhappiness, confirmed my decision and I am ready to proceed further when the right time comes very soon.
Whatever you said about my husband’s nature and attitude are 100% correct, especially the phrase” He lives for the moment and cares only about himself”. He is exactly like that. I know it is my adjustment and my soft nature made this relationship long until this, if I might have responded or questioned him, I might have got worst hell, until I not respond against his act there won’t be any trouble. I also feel now he won’t change in his life time, I waited until this by the thought of that he may change.
I don’t have any friends now, and I was away from people long time, in house, never been mingled long time with people, I feel that I will be far better when I communicate with people. When the time comes I am planning to go and stay with my parents, brother and sisters for few months, it will make me to recharge myself as I am and I hope that I will become calm and systematic again.
I went through worst stage, but I always try to protect my selfness. Yes you are right I want to rebuilt my self esteem, it is badly affected.
And what you said about me also correct, I was running a garment unit for some time, and I got good reputation among my employees too. And my smile always appreciated by people and warmness too, I wonder about your insight, you are truly blessed and talented
When I read you r last paragraph, I stunned and become wordless!!!!!!.I always have a feeling that the following are my Aim or mission which I have to do to world in my life.
1) woman’s shelter, where I want to empower the women and want to make them feel that they are valuable, want to make them more self reliable, strong and face life with courage, want to counsel and save the life and would like to be a strong support for abandoned or deserted women and their children
2) And the idea of writing the book based on my life experience, which has to help people to live confident and face anything in life with patients and calm
.But I never told my this two aims to anyone until this, when I read your message the feeling I couldn’t express here, and you said it will happen successfully, that was my doubt whether my intention will be fulfilled and whether it will successful when I do these two things. Now I got answer from you that I can work on my projects confidently.
One more dream project I had in mind to promote arts. I would like to start a unique school where to train the precious varieties of music, dances, of world, paintings, yoga and other good art forms- a international school of arts.
Once after marriage I left all my wishes and ambitions and thought there is no chance for these things, but I think may be my new turn in my life will make me to fulfill everything, but for all I have to self suffient by financially.
I have one request, you said you couldn’t get clear idea about my career, may be because of my confusion, and what you said is correct I don’t know what I am good for,
Now I am doing the export trading, commodities and garments. I don’t know whether it will give benefit to me, but it is progressing slowly. And I wish to start a small outlet of dresses for ladies and kids. Whether these become successful or what I have to do… I don’t know whether I can ask this to you …..
Once more I want to say my heart full thanks to you for your precious time you spend for me
Thank you so much for your vision and insightMarch 6, 2009 at 9:05 am #6848
I’m so glad you are feeling more positive about things.It was so nice to read your post.
I strongly believe the dress outlet for ladies and children is perfect for you. Stay focused on that goal and pay close attention to everyone you meet so you recognize those with opportunities when they greet you. You will have opportunities to meet people with resources and fresh ideas through your family and when you work. Is there a man in your family or who you know through your family who is smart and admires your ambition? I sense someone around you like that. When people you don’t know have possible opportunities for you, get his opinion. It is important that you strive for independence and that you ultimately make your own decisions; but it is good to have a trusted mentor who is intelligent and wants to see you succeed and who can offer you different ways of looking at the possible outcome of an employment opportunity or business venture.
I get a strong sense that you and your children should make this move from your husband soon. You may have to be secretive about it. He is very unstable and does not want what is best for you. Have someone help you.
Please keep in touch and let me know how you are doing.March 10, 2009 at 11:33 am #6849
Hello Candice Kennedy,
Thank you for your message again; I think the man you are talking about is my brother in Law. My husband family members all have respect, love and affection to me. My husband can’t tolerate it. My mother in law is crying about me and my children life future due to his irresponsible and careless way of life (they don’t know his this particular nature), My brother in law and sister –in –law have great respect for me and he admire for my works and ambitions, I am also was thinking to discuss with him regarding this issue before I leave. And I am sure that he will give me right advice and help to decision making. I know it will be a shock to all, but I think it unavoidable now, at least for my children good future. You are right, he never likes or tolerates something best for me, even a praise doing anyone (even his father and mother used to talk about me good and praises about me to him) he never likes that, immediately he will change subject. he wants me live as like a slave, if he might have trust worthy and honest to the relationship I might have lived for him, I am sad but I am ;learned to be practical, I am a person who has first preference to the husband and family. I wished a soul mate like life in relationship as man and wife, but everything happened as worst, so much I cried and shocked and pained. Anyway, I feel I don’t want to pained more by this man, I think no one may be in this world like him, completely untruthful and completely selfish. The way he is behaving with me as like truthfull husbands who never even think about other women, but he is playing same to all.
I wish to contact you personal messages, by email( I don’t know whether I can give my id here) because I know you are my well wisher I don’t want to loose any good people in my life who can support me and recharge my life with their encouraging words.
I am waiting for the time to move, I am making the move secretive only, I know how he will act and make trouble and problems if he comes to know. He knows children are my life, so he started to influence them and keep him with his side. When he realized years back I will stand against his wishes, I don’t know whether he has love for kids or just acting.
Thank you so much for your time and support, I wish the same again in my lifeMarch 10, 2009 at 1:25 pm #6850
whether my in-laws will support me, or they will also join with him, I am little disturbed in mind . hope that I will become cool and calm.please help me by your answerMarch 11, 2009 at 12:06 am #6851
As I focus in on in-laws, I don’t get a good genuine feeling off of them. They want you to stay around regardless of your pain. They like you but they love your husband and don’t want to lose touch with your kids. I feel there i a woman on your husbands side who will say nice things to you and pretend she is supportive but she is not, she will turn on you without conscience. Don’t trust her. I would try to seek help from your family. The man I am picturing is not your brother in law or any one from your husbands side of the family. He is related to your side of the family, maybe related to a sister either by marriage or by business association. I would not approach any members of your husbands family. When I say secretive, i mean secretive from your husband and his relations and his associates.
I feel the future presence of another man in business, a short stocky man with white or lighter colored skin and black short wavy hair, well dressed but has a tendency to become slightly unkempt as he is always walking around working very hard. By unkempt I mean, his hair gets little messy and his shirt tail keeps coming out. But his clothes are always clean and he is always appropriately dressed.
I don’t feel your husband feelings for the children are genuine. He could be possibly abusive or try to keep them from you just to hurt you. Try to always keep them with you as often as possible. When you go anywhere or do anything always have them with you. I am very serious about this.March 13, 2009 at 6:56 am #6852
Thank you so much for your message, about my husband family, what you said is correct, they love him, may be that love made him to be worst? sometime I doubt, what they do is they will criticize and cry about his attitude and behavior and hurt to them behind him, they never tell direct face to face to him, some what they do not have the courage, one thing sure, if they telling also no use, he will do what he wants, and make the situations hell to them too. If they might have consider the justice and act as per that, the things might be different?
About the woman from my husband side you said, I think my sister- in law, she always talk very nice, but definitely she will turn, because I feel she also some or otherwise like her brother. I taken your advices as very serious, I did not have the intension to tell about the secrete move to any of his part people, I thought only the moment when I move out, I thought to clear them why I am moving out, if not he will definitely make a very creative dirty story about me to all of them and make them to believe too what he said. . If you feel no need, I won’t do that too.
My brother was staying here with me was helping me two and a half years, so he knew the situations slight, and he informed me if anytime you feel to come out just come to home. But I feel he is still too young and not matured enough .Apart from him, nobody knows this problem in my family too, . I don’t wanted to inform the situation to my parents soon, they will be very sad, I want to stay with them some months, I wish to arrange a house for me and children stay by lease or rent, and wish to generate some regular income to proceed our life without depending or disturbing anybody. That only I thought to work in trading business and try to get some income for the beginning. Because I can do this right now, through internet I can do the trading and I can look after my kids same time.
Whether it will give me the initial income or I have to try for job please advice me,
The person you said from my family side , I am not getting any idea, my sister’ husband and their relations I don’t know much, anyway I will open my eyes to find that person who can give me best advice to me when it required, can you please say his age approximate.
And the matter you told me about children, that I have also taken as very very serious, I understood very clearly what you said, my husband will definitely try to take away them from me, not for their good future , defiantly for hurting me and I know if they are with him, he will make their life worst and miserable. I never have any idea to leave my children at any cost, they are my life.
I am waiting for his scheduled tour to proceed further. Please advice me,
Candice, it is so nice f you to give right advice to all who required it, can I assume that I am not bothering you by asking your advices again and again, but it is helping me so much to be inspired and courageous enough to face life, and it is helping me to erase my disappointment, pain about life. The right advice and a help to select right choices are precious. I really value and treasured your opinion and advices, and wish to get it further too, Thank you so much.
JezMarch 14, 2009 at 7:05 pm #6853
This is no time for image consciousness or embarrassment! This isn’t a fashion show or a dinner party. It is hard-core real life and you must be fierce life a warrior!
It’s time to get your priorities in order. Who cares if your parents know (your parent already know there is something terribly wrong with your family life) or if you think your brother is immature. Your husband isn’t exactly the patron saint of maturity. If you have to go to your brother’s for awhile until you can get to your parents, then just do it. It sounds better than what you got going right now!!! Your children need help and support. They are are helpless and depending on you to make the best decisions for them to create the best life possible. Who cares about what empty dramatic words your in-laws are using and who cares how they feel. It doesn’t matter. Stop thinking about all the “junk” and take action and move forward. You children are already suffering at the hands of your low self esteem. If there was ever a time to be focused and strong it is now. There is nothing more important than your children and the quality of their lives. Get out. Get a lawyer. I don’t know what type of family laws you have where you live. Make sure the lawyer is competent and you get the best protection possible from your husband. Dont be afraid to tell your attorney everything about what he has done. If you hold back you are only hurting yourself. This is no time for image consciousness or embarrassment! This isn’t a fashion show or a dinner party. It is hard-core real life and you must be fierce life a warrior!
You know what you need to do. I wish you the best. If you wish, keep me posted on your progress.March 16, 2009 at 2:25 pm #6854
Thank you so much for your message. Your words are given so much confident to me; I was confused whether I am right or wrong with the decision of moving out, now you made me clear everything, and I am taking everything the same way as much as you serious about this issue.. I decided to go to my parents and brother. My brother is in early 20’s that only I said he is immature to advice me, but far better than my husband all the ways, he is having responsibility and stand for me. He is with my parents. Before I leave the place I will try to get best attorney for my help. My case will be complex, and I know he will make it as a big mess, but I will fight , as a warrior, I was thinking before no need single money from him, I have to earn by myself, but your advice I have taken as serious.
My first priority is my children, and a peaceful life. I will move slow but steady and stern. I will keep on post you the progress, because you have done so much in my life, which will help me to be successful in life. If you get any insight, vision about me please post for me. I always wish to get your advices.
I started the planning already; I will think proper and move accordingly. There is no look back now; I won’t allow anything to hold me back.
Heartfelt thanks for you, and really you are blessed and I believe that God sent you to me for guidance .Thank you for your time and insights once more
JezJanuary 14, 2010 at 7:55 am #6855
As you predict right about me, I wish to get some more guidance at present situation , past 6 months everything was ok, I thought he changed, and I tried to wait and see, but now again the worst stage going on, I would like to get some advice from you regarding my present stage, and you please help me by advising the job or business I have to do for the livelihood for me and babies.
your advice will be highly appreciated, because there is not much places I can go and hide or stay long time, so if I get the idea of which area of carrier suits me, I can work on that and find some success very soon for my kids and for my life , situation is extremely bad, our country there is no trust worthy family shelter also not there.
jezJanuary 15, 2010 at 11:25 pm #6856
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I am a student of the Life Mastery Program. I am still fairly new at giving advice but I want to do my best to help you. I have read your previous posts, and I do agree with the advice that you have previously been given. As far as things stand right now I see less than a 10% chance that your husband will ever change. You need to make plans now to go with your daughters to your family, perhaps your parents. You should stay with them until you are financially secure enough to find new living quarters for your daughters and yourself.
It is important that you consult with a lawyer to draw up arrangements for a separation from your husband. During this appointment you will have the opportunity to learn what financial obligations your husband will have to your daughters. Also what arrangements should be made to allow him to visit the girls.
I have a feeling that you will find a job that you will be comfortable with. You have the potential to secure employment that will be meaningful to you, but in the interim you need to focus on something that will provide the financial security that you need right now.
So you must now take this brave first step–
Please keep in touch and let us know how you are doing–
😉January 20, 2010 at 8:12 am #6857
thank you for your reply with good effort, but may be my problems beyond what you can expect, , “hiding “when I tell that makes real hiding of me and my kids from him, because I fear he will try best to torture me even by kidnapping and torturing my kids.I have to move without any hind or clue. he is very alert
hope is there any one could give some what correct way …. that will be a saving rope from the deep whirlpool in my life..
jezJanuary 20, 2010 at 8:21 am #6858
What are your options regarding where you and your daughters can go?January 20, 2010 at 8:36 am #6859
thank you so much for your reply.. really speaking I don’t know, I wish to go my home, but he will trace and the torture also I doubt I can bear with my present stage, as I never saved anything for me or kids as I never seen separately for me , I done everything for the family.or he never allowed me to do any work or business, even he always wished to spoil my business , so I think to live a metro city with my kids without giving any clue to him, but at present any money also sufficient to lead our life, I have to find source for their education and our 3 life too. I am doing some trading business, but I don’t know whether I can truly trust on that work, this is comfortably i can do at present with taking care of my kids as they are very small. please advice whatever possible by you, I wish to live with my self esteem and self respect I wish to not loose it. may be this is a greedy wish at my present stage.
wish you could answer me early..
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