Want to improve your relationship? Well let me tell you, over the years, I have encountered many clients who were facing broken and sometimes very painful relationships. I’ve had clients whose romantic relationships were stable, but challenged.
I’ve seen romantic scenarios where there was little or no contact for months. I’ve also seen situations where there was contact every day, yet there was a distance, stagnation, or a recurring difference which was causing problems.
Whatever the challenge, the “approach” taken is one of the most important factors that determines the direction a relationship will go. In the most critical moments of a relationship, what is communicated, how it is said, the tone of voice used, the body language demonstrated – these all greatly influence whether there will be success or failure.
In my Intuitive Counseling service, much of the relationship assistance I provide to clients is centered on “tailor made approaches.” I work with clients to discover what specific approach will get their desired outcome in their unique romantic situations. I accomplish this by using intuitive ability to precisely focus into a situation, the individuals involved and determine what will get the best results.
Although using intuitive ability is a powerful strategy, there are steps you can take right away to determine what approach is most effective in your unique relationship situation:
Keep Your Approach In Relationships Unique To The Situation –
When it comes to understanding what approach will work, it’s important to realize there are rarely any one-size-fits-all solutions. Many of the available popular psychology or self-help books provide a “cookie cutter” approach to relationship challenges. For example, if he is resisting commitment, do this. Or if she is not supporting you in this way, do that.
All relationships and their special dynamics are quite different. Logically speaking, one or two approaches outlined in a book could never apply to all relationships. Any advice vague enough to apply to the majority of relationships would be too vague to deeply, effectively help any of them.
While it would be much easier if a “general” approach could have a powerful, lasting impact on most troubled relationships, it’s just not that simple. The best approach will be the one which applies to the unique situation. Each individual is unique in their emotional makeup, their thinking patterns, how they react to situations, how they process information, and this can even change when other factors are added such as timing, the surrounding environment, the present mood, etc.
Your approach with your romantic partner should be custom tailored to this individual and to the situation.
Choose An Relationship Approach Which Involves Action Towards A Positive Direction –
It’s important to realize, first of all, that when it comes to romantic relationships, there are no plateaus. The relationship is either getting better or getting worse. Avoiding an issue will not make the issue go away. Whatever approach you choose, pick a strategy which involves the intention of improving the situation. Do not avoid the problem, it will not go away by itself.
For example, if there is an overwhelming distance between you and your partner, choose an approach which is focused on repairing this issue. Maybe it’s finding something enjoyable that the two of you can do together, something that is stimulating and enriching to the relationship. Maybe it’s as simple as replacing some of the heavier discussions with more light-hearted, humorous communications. Approach the challenge with an action oriented, solution mindset.
Don’t sit by on the sidelines, hoping things will magically improve on their own.
Take The Diplomatic Approach In Your Relationship –
A diplomat, such as one employed by a nation, is a highly skilled individual. This person has the ability to go into a highly stressful situation with the mindset of accomplishing a positive outcome, even in the worst scenarios such as military conflicts. Even circumstances which involve the lives of many people or the infrastructure of a country, a diplomat has to accomplish the goal without being combative, accusatory, self-absorbed, or indifferent to the perspectives of others.
Whatever the challenge or scenario you need to face in your relationship, when determining your approach, make a habit of focusing and reminding yourself of your true goal.
For example, if you and your partner are having a disagreement about a certain issue, and your goal is to come to some type of resolution, would it make sense to approach your partner with a tone of blame, disapproval, or mistrust? If your goal truly is to resolve the issue, would an approach of understanding, compassion, and flexibility likely achieve better results?
To approach an issue diplomatically involves asking yourself, on a truly honest level, what will most likely achieve the result you want. This approach then involves adjusting yourself in a way which reflects what you know will work – what you say, your tone of voice, your body language, etc.
So often people have the best intentions of approaching a challenge in a diplomatic way, but then something doesn’t go as planned.
Maybe you have been in a situation such as this and you were not treated with respect in return, your partner became defensive and lashed out, or something was said that hit a nerve or reminded you of another unpleasant time in your life – and you said something you definitely did not plan on saying. Next thing you know, your approach ends up in shouting match or the two of you put up a wall between each other or, worse yet, you caused a whole new problem that didn’t exist before the conversation.
Being diplomatic involves keeping calm and focused not only when things are going smooth, but also when a situation gets tough. It involves tenacity, or the ability to respond effectively to an unexpected comment or action. If you can’t keep yourself in control when things become tense, you may want to take steps to change this, such as getting some specialized training in this area. This could be the defining factor which determines if your relationship improves or becomes worse.
Being diplomatic doesn’t mean that you have to be a doormat. It’s not so much about what you say that matters, but how you say it. You can communicate some very strong points if you are diplomatic (relaxed, focused, open to the outcome, light sense of humor, etc). But as soon as you blow your top (anger, anxiety, desperation, etc), the communication will break and your chance of accomplishing what you want becomes minimal.
Use The Past As A Learning Tool For The Present
Take the time to focus back in the past in your romantic relationship. Do your best to remember the times when a situation “worked out” and the times when a situation “didn’t work out. ” Pay special attention to any patterns which seem to keep occurring.
What is different now and when the two of you were happy? For example, maybe at times when your partner is expressing his or her self, and you interrupt, the situation ends undesirably. In the past when things were better, perhaps you were a better listener and didn’t interrupt so much. A clients once told me that her partner, in a heated discussion, said, “I love and miss the old you.”
To start resolving the problems, consider setting the stage in a positive familiar atmosphere, like a favorite restaurant or a favorite meeting place at a park, for example. Make sure it’s a positive place, that no matter how serious your issues are, this atmosphere will very likely help the two of you find a common ground.
By spending some time looking for patterns which have occurred in the past, you are able to get a better sense of what will work in the present. You are able to better grasp which approaches probably won’t work and which approaches will increase the chances of accomplishing a pleasant outcome.
Some of these suggestions may seem basic or mere common sense, but these are strategies that people fail to make every day in their relationships. Even some of the most intelligent individuals you can imagine are not always smart about their approach in relationships. In fact most people, on some level, are limiting their relationships everyday by not taking the best approach.
I Encourage You To Take Action Now
It’s often difficult to see what is occurring on deeper level when you’re in the middle of a challenging intimate situation. It can be especially difficult to catch yourself in the midst of a highly emotional event, and then shift your approach in a way which gives you healthier results.
But as you become smarter in how you approach relationship challenges, issues which once seemed hopeless will fade into the past. Obstacles which have been ongoing for years become a stepping stone for greater intimacy between you and your partner – because the two of you dealt with it, together.
Finding a better approach to improve your relationship challenges is a never-ending process which can always stand room for improvement – I encourage you to grasp the opportunity and start making changes today!