Uncertain


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This topic contains 25 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  KathyN 5 years, 7 months ago.

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  • #6597

    Kimberly526
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    Hello. About 2 months ago I posted about my ex fiance who cheated and then decided to leave our children and I for the other woman.

    Well plans have been set and we are set to move back to NY at the end of this month. NY is where my family is. I’ve never felt more uncertainty in my life as i’m feeling now. Although my daughters are only 5 and 1 year old, I still worry about how they will adjust to living in a different state ( I moved to KY to be with my ex 6 years ago). Will my children adjust to being in NY? The thought of being a single mother and being the one who has to provide everything is scary. Of course the first thing i’ll have to do once I get to NY is look for a job, which i’ve started a little through the internet. I honestly don’t know where to go from here because I never thought that I would end up in this situation. One thing that is so odd for me is that this all doesn’t seem real to me, moving back to NY, me doing this all on my own. after being with someone for 7 years and thinking that i had my life all planned out. I keep thinking that something is going to happen where I won’t end up moving. Is this me being in denial? why does this feel so unreal to me?

    I also worry about the relationship between my daughters and their father since they will be living so far apart from each other. I don’t know why but I do. Will the relationship and the bond between my daughters and their father become strained after a while? Or will they remain close.

    I’ve also found myself lately to be resentful and angry with this whole situation with my ex. I feel as if him being in this new relationship that seems to be going to well, that he’s getting away with what he has done to me and it just feels so unfair. He talks about how he plans on being with this girl “forever”. Well i’ve learned the hard way that forever is not guaranteed. But why at the end of all of this does he get to end up in a relationship that seems to be going well and I end up alone? Don’t get me wrong I love my daughters and i’d choose them any day over a guy. But I would love to have a relationship as well. I mean is there not ever going to be any repercussions for what he has done?

    #8015

    KathyN
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    Kimberly,
    It is only natural that you are having these feeling of conflict right now. You have made the decision to move back to New York where you have family who can help you. Your daughters will also benefit from having family nearby. Your ex should be providing financial support for your daughters. You might do well to consult an attorney to ensure this and to set up a visitation policy as well. He is only just beginning his new relationship and what he thinks might be forever just might not last.

    So for right now if you just concentrate on your daughters and your move, then securing a new job, someone new could very well be in your future. It is hard to plan ahead right now, but better things are in store for you!

    Best wishes,
    🙂

    #8016

    anonymous
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    Kimberly

    First of all you should know that I am not a trained, or trainee, psychic so i hope you don’t mind if i add my comments, but something about your situation resonates with me.

    I can’t help wondering if this feeling you have that “something will happen so that you don’t have to move”, is in fact a feeling that “everything is going to be ok”

    I sometimes find I’m crying one minute over a situation and next minute I suddenly feel very calm and wondering why I can’t cry about it any more. I believe it is because something is telling me that “it isn’t going to happen” – meaning that it isn’t going to happen the way I fear it will.

    For example I may be panicking because I think I’m going to lose my job and not be able to find another one. Perhaps in this case my intuition is saying “yes, you may lose your job, but actually there’s no need to be upset and worry about it because you will get another job”, maybe even a job better suited to me!

    So this feeling you have may be trying to tell you “yes, you may move to NY but there’s no need to be scared about being sole provider for your children or worried about how they will adapt. You will manage everything just fine, and your children will follow your lead and they will adapt easily to their new life.”

    The other thing I would like to add is that it may also help if you can try not to think of this as being something your ex has “done to you”. Try to avoid seeing yourself as a victim. Although it may be painful, humiliating, or however else you feel about it, eventually you may find that you emerge from this situation much better than he does.

    Being the better person just now may be of little comfort to you but rather than thinking of it as a terrible thing he has done to you and your children, consider that maybe it is a terrible thing that he has done to himself!

    Best wishes 🙂

    #8017

    Kimberly526
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    Thank you ladies so much for your advice. I am doing the best I can to focus on moving and my daughters. I am very excited about what the future might have in store for me. However I think what holds me back is just wondering if this was all my fault. I have been told that I am pushy and that its probably the reason as to why he left. So thats just made me wonder if i’m to blame for all of this. I hate that feeling. Its awful. Am I really the reason why all of this happened?

    #8018

    KathyN
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    Kimberly,
    Please don’t blame yourself for what went wrong in this relationship. If he was uncomfortable with aspects of the relationship he should have wanted to discuss the situation before leaving. He might not know what he really wants right now. You are doing your best to move on and I do believe you will benefit from putting some geographic distance between him.

    Best wishes,
    🙂

    #8019

    Kimberly526
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    Thank you so much Kathy. Its just been really rough since yesterday. A girl who I thought was one of my best friends yesterday just exploded at me and told me that i’m pushy and that because i’m pushy (or she thinks i’m pushy) that is probably the main reason as to why we broke up. It really hurt hearing that. Its awful even hearing that from someone whom you thought was you’re best friend. If she thought that i was talking about the situation too much I wish she would have just told me in a nice way. But I was devestated at the way she treated me yesterday. Thank you so much for you’re kind words. I really do look forward to being in NY

    #8020

    KathyN
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    Kimberly,
    I sense that your friend was caught up in her own thoughts and things weren’t going well for her. That is why she made that remark. Good friends are supposed to help each other through difficult times. Not kick someone when they are down Just focus on your move and making new friends.

    Best wishes,
    🙂

    #8021

    Kimberly526
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    Maybe one day my friend and I could work things out. If we don’t its ok cause I know i’ll be ok. I definitely look forward to making new friends in NY. Is it normal for me to feel a little guilty for taking the girls with me to NY and taking them 14 hours away from their father? Today i’ve also been feeling a lot of guilt for that. I’m worried that the girls might resent me once they get older. I know us moving to NY is the right thing for us. I know many people will not understand. But we need my family’s help right now. I just wish I could get rid of this guilt. I know I shouldn’t feel bad after the way he ended things but i still feel bad cause I know this decision hurt him. And there have been some people who have also been making me feel guilty telling me what i’m doing is wrong. I understand where they are coming from. But I know i’m making the right choice for my daughters and I.

    #8022

    KathyN
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    Kimberly,
    Don’t worry about your friend. In time she will feel very sorry she acted this way. Your ex chose to leave his family. How did he choose to explain this to his daughters? You are doing the best you can by moving back to where you have family who can help you. You can work out a custody and visiting arrangement with your ex. He should also be providing financial support for the children. It is not that far away and he will be allowed to see his children. When they get older they will understand that you were doing the best that you could for them at the time. There are many children who are the product of divorce, or the parents are no longer together. They are young and they will cope. You know in your heart that you are doing the best that you can right now.

    Best wishes,
    🙂

    #8023

    Kimberly526
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    He actually didn’t explain anything to the children. I don’t know how he will explain himself once they get older or if he ever will. My oldest daughter is who I worry about the most in this situation. She is feeling as if her father left her to be a father to 4 other children. Its really sad. I’m thankful my 14 month old doesn’t know whats going on. I have already arranged for my to have sole custody and have made arrangements for child support.

    #8024

    KathyN
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    He should explain to his daughters that even though they will not be living together as a family, he still loves them very much. You will allow him to see them if he wants. There is time for him to talk to them before you move out of the area. He should do this while he has the chance. So if the opportunity presents itself, you might want to make this offer to him? Does he realize how this is affecting his oldest daughter?

    Best wishes,
    🙂

    #8025

    Kimberly526
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    He does tell the girls that he loves them. But I don’t know if he has explained anything to them yet. I don’t think he has but I don’t know what he says to them when they are spending time with him. I have a hard time explaining things to him because everytime I try to. He gets and attitude and rolls his eyes. He basically brushes me off. Even when I aplogize to him for being rude, or get mad at him for bringing the girls around his current girlfriend or saying something I shouldn’t have said. He still just says “ok” and acts like my apologies don’t mean anything. I just give up. Thats one reason why i’m so happy to be moving to NY is to get away from his rude attitude. It seems like he has some grudge or bitterness against me.

    #8026

    Kimberly526
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    Oh sorry I forgot to answer your question. I think he does realize how this is affecting my oldest daughter but he doesn’t kow what to do. He feels guilty for that but it still doesn’t get him to make better decisions. He thinks that just because she’s 5 that she doesn’t understand what is going on. And that just because she might go to his house and play with his gf’s children that she’s happy and has no problem with things. But I know thats not true. I know this hurts her a lot.

    #8027

    KathyN
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    If he would agree to it, now would be a good time for both of you to sit down with the girls and explain that while you are no longer living together as a family, both their daddy and you love them very much. It would be more beneficial to the girls if he would take them somewhere on an outing to spend quality time with them instead of taking them to his girlfriend’s house. Has he even starting thinking about how the visits will work once you have relocated to New York?

    Right now your 5 year old doesn’t understand everything, but as she gets older she will think back on the events in her early childhood. It is when she gets older her true feelings about the situation will develop. If he doesn’t establish a meaningful relationship with his daughters now, they aren’t going to care about seeing him when they get older.

    You are doing the best that you can. So you can suggest talking to the girls together, if he is willing to do this. If he isn’t, just know that you have tried your very best. It is important that you get ready for a new chapter in your life.

    Best wishes,
    🙂

    #8028

    Kimberly526
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    I will ask him tomorrow when I get the chance. I hope he agrees to it but I have a feeling he won’t. He acts as if he can’t stand to even talk or be around me so I doubt he’d say yes. But its worth a shot. His mother and I have plenty of times told him that he needs to spend alone time with the girls. He some reason won’t do that. Everytime he spends time with the girls its at his and his gf’s, and her 4 kids house. Thats what we’ve argued about lately. I don’t feel like its fair that his own daughters can’t have their father to themselves for a day. He gets angry when I bring that subject up cause he accues me of telling him how to spend time with his daughters. I have told him that he can come visit the girls in NY whenever he wants to. But I am a little doubtful that he will visit because money for the trip to visit might be hard for him to save up. And I think he’s also a little afraid that his gf wouldn’t like it if he visited them in NY. Which she has told me before that she wouldn’t mind if he came to NY to visit. So I don’ t know why he is thinking that. He has been spending time with them lately. But I don’t know if that is enough for him to have a meaningful relationship with his daughters later on in life. I hope he has regrets about what he’s done later on down the road.

    I am so ready to start this new chapter in my life. I am so excited for it! 🙂

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