Are we soulmates?
Should I walk away or stay in the relationship?
Are we meant to be together?
Is there someone else I would be happier with?
Let’s face it – If these kinds of questions have been going through your mind lately, you are likely at a cross-road.
Maybe you’ve just met someone and you’re wondering if “this is the one”. Maybe you have been in the same relationship for 20 years and things are stagnant, leaving you feeling confused.
Over the years, I have helped thousands of people with relationship challenges. I can tell you with certainty – relationships can be tough, especially when you can’t decide if staying or going is the best choice.
I know it’s rough! You don’t want to walk away and miss out on a lifetime opportunity, but you also don’t want to waste your life away in a relationship that isn’t going to work.
Well…Living In Limbo Is No Way To Live
What’s possibly worse than being in an unhappy relationship is being in an unhappy relationship and always wondering if you should stay or go. Living every day like this eats away at you from the inside out. It’s like a cancerous tumor that starts to infect every other area of your life – you work, your friendships, even your physical health.
Of course, living in “relationship limbo” puts further stress on the relationship. Your emotional shield stays up because you don’t want to get hurt if things don’t work out. It becomes a vicious cycle that is just like the dog who chases its tail around in circles.
As soon as you can, I encourage you to either make a decision to make your relationship work or walk away. Go through the healing process and create an opening for someone else in your life.
I am definitely not encouraging you to dump your romantic partner tomorrow because you are confused about your relationship. What I am doing is encouraging is to take action sooner, rather than later. If something needs to change, don’t put it off. Don’t let weeks turn into months and months turn into years.
Remember, By Not Making A Decision, You Are Actually Making A Decision
You are either in a relationship or you are not in a relationship. Even if the relationship is half baked, you are still in a relationship. Your life energy is going into it. This is the same life energy that could be going into a better direction.
If you are in a relationship that isn’t working, you are also most likely blocking your chances of being with the person you should be with.
Choosing to stay or leave a relationship is often a very important life-defining moment. So, you want to be careful what and when you decide. If things are really confusing, you could even set a time line. Make a decision that you are going to decide within a certain time period. This could be 2 weeks or 6 months, depending on various factors. Pick a time limit which feels right to you.
Put your heart into the relationship and do everything you can to evaluate its worth. Then, when the time limit you set comes around, make sure to act. Of course there could be exceptions, but be careful about letting something drag on and on in hopes that someday things will change – especially when you don’t really have a reason to think they will.
Life can be short. It passes us by quickly. What you are going through right now is not a test run, it’s the real deal. This is your life. Not a dress rehearsal. I know this sounds cliché, but every day that passes is another day that you will never again have in your life.
How Do You Decide If A Relationship Is Right For You?
Whether you are looking for a “flexible relationship” or you are looking for that “life partner” you want to spend eternity with, your best chance at having a loving and lasting relationship is to be smart about who you are with. And being smart involves you making decisions.
In my years working with all types of clients, I’ve discovered there are really three factors which are helpful in deciding if you need to stay in a relationship or leave:
Chemistry: This is really the romantic connection shared between two people. This involves attraction but this also involves how you feel when you are around your relationship partner. How are things in the bedroom? These are all aspects of having a good chemistry. When spending time together, are you able to feel comfortable even when there is silence or if you aren’t doing some type of activity together?
Now a lack of chemistry isn’t always a reason to just walk away from a relationship. Maybe the chemistry was once there but now it’s just covered up with emotional issues. Your emotions will trick you sometimes.
Often with some work, a once-existing chemistry can be brought back to the surface. It can be re-ignited to get the spark back. I’ve had several students in our Life Mastery Program bring a stagnant relationship back to life, sometimes better than ever. There are ways you can sometimes achieve this if you are willing.
Common Goals: Are the immediate and life goals of you and your partner similar? If your goal is to have lots of kids but your partner’s goal is to have no children, this can be a major issue. What about dating other people? What about if your partner wants to keep the relationship at the same level that it is, but you want more? What about the desired city you want to live?
If these goals are different, this could be a major sign that there will be ongoing issues in the relationship. Even if the chemistry is there between the two of you, if your goals are radically different, this can be a reason to end the relationship.
Sometime people have serious goals and then find themselves in relationship that conflict with those goals. As the relationship becomes more important, some people will compromise or adjust their own personal goals to accommodate the relationship. Some people will not.
When I first met my wife, my goal was to constantly travel so I could provide seminars and classes. But as the relationship and the desire to have a family became more of a priority, I realized I had to decide between my own personal goals and the relationship with my wife. For various reasons, I just wasn’t going to be able to have them both.
So I comprised some of my own personal goals. I adjusted and adapted my goals to where the relationship was the priority. That was 15 years ago. Do I ever regret changing my goals now? Absolutely not.
Now I’m not the hero in my marriage. My wife made serious “adjustments” in her own life to make our relationship work. So we both found a way to redesign our lives because being together was, and is, important to us.
Common Interest: Of course, if you find a clone of yourself with all the same exact interest, this could take some the excitement out of the relationship. Having some different interests are great and make a relationship more exciting. But if your interests are worlds apart, this can sometime create serious challenges.
For example, if you love spending time in nature but your partner insists on never leaving the house, this can be an issue. If your interests are too far apart, you might hardly see each other because each of you will always be doing different things. And if you are always around other people who have similar interests as yourself, you might find yourself feeling closer to these other people than your romantic partner.
It’s good to at least have some of the same major interest. This creates an opportunity for the two of you to spend quality time together.
Having different interest doesn’t always mean that you have to walk away. Instead, this can be a great opportunity for you (or your partner) to learn and experience something new. For example, if you meditate and your partner does not, show them hands-on how rewarding this can be. Another example: If your partner is a vegetarian and you are meat eating fanatic, show some flexibility and allow your partner to tempt you with some exciting vegetarian dishes. I’m sure you get the point.
Now these three factors aren’t a cookie-cutter approach that will absolutely give you a decision about your relationship. But, using these to help you “weigh out” your relationship is a lot better than just sitting around with a big question mark in your mind.
Getting yourself thinking about these things is a step in the right direction.
How Considering These Three Factors Will Not Help You
You might find yourself trying to weigh everything out in your mind about your relationship, but you still are painfully confused. Maybe you know yourself, but you aren’t so sure about your romantic partner. Maybe there are questions about how they truly feel about you or what their real motivations are in the relationship.
Maybe, just maybe, you are wondering how they will be treating you and feeling about you in the future. Are they likely to cheat? Are they only capable of short-term relationships? Will they appreciate you? In the future, will they be selfish or will they focus on meeting your needs?
Sometimes there are flags or little hints that give you an idea of what you are walking into head-first. Sometimes it’s not so clear.
When it comes to these “hidden factors” in a relationship, sometimes you just have to risk it and hope for the best. Of course, not everyone is comfortable with this scenario.
It’s at these times that many people have taken advantage of my Intuitive Counseling. As crazy as it may sound, without knowing anything about your romantic partner, I’m able to use intuitive ability to “focus in” and uncover the hidden details in a relationship. Years of specialized training and experience allow me to see the true feelings, motivations, and behaviors of your romantic partner.
Year after year, so many clients tell me I’ve helped them gain the clarity, peace of mind and guidance they so desperately wanted. This is why I keep doing what I do.
I’m not like the friend or family member who has tons of opinionated advice. Instead, the service is professional and unbiased.
It’s all about helping you to “fill in the blanks” so you can make a more informed decision. It’s also about helping you to discover, when possible, what you can do to improve your situation. There are oftentimes solutions I can see that might be hidden to you. See the details of my service: Intuitive Counseling
So, if you go through the 3 factors detailed above and you are still painfully confused, I can help you.
That sums it up: The main point is that if you are in a confusing romantic relationship, stand back and do some serious soul searching. Use what you’ve learned here to help you make a decision.
Remember, the grand theory is that relationships (for the most part) should make us happy. If you aren’t happy, do something about it.