My Best Friend

[elizagirl]

Ok, my husband and I separated in March and are going through a divorce. I am not the type to have a one night thing with anyone BUT sometime at the end of June I did. This was someone I had just met. We had hung out with mutual friends a couple of times prior to this but never spoke to one another. Anyway since that night we have become very good friends. He was going through some stuff and obviously so was I. For the last 4 months we have talked or texted everyday sometimes ALL day and late into the night. He has become my best friend. I go to him with EVERYTHING and he is the first one I call when I need someone to talk to.

A couple of weeks ago we spent some time together during the week and then the weekend before last he spent the night with me. Now, since that first night 4 months ago this is the first time we have been together intimately. Since then he has been a little different. We still talk just not as much as we did. It's still everyday just less frequently throughout the day. I have asked him if something was wrong and he says no that he has just been busy. But I feel like there is something else going on with him and wish he would tell me. Am I reading to much into this or is there something wrong? Did I do something or has something changed for him? Any help would be greatly appreciated. I don't want to push the issue with him because I don't want to lose him.

[Candice Kennedy]

My first instinct is that you are not reading into this. Something has changed and it's no coincidence that it changed after the intimacy. Psychically speaking, however, he wasn't ready for the intimacy part but we all know the flesh is weak. We are all human so let us move on no judgments, please. He feels a little uncomfortable because he was more relaxed when you were friends. He is not ready for a full time girl friend but he let things get hot and now he is feeling a little bad. He was open to something maybe in the future but hasnt made his mind up on that yet.

Why all this self centered dysfunction. You know the saying "Don't hate the player hate the game." Someone is playing him and the self centeredness is contagious. He's getting it from here. He still isn't over someone else. She is definitely over him except to use him as a sounding board to talk about herself.Nothing physical going on. But he needs to cut ties with her and let the healing begin.

There is nothing you can do to make him tell you all this. He wont. If you showed him this post, he would deny it it-take the secret to his grave. All you can do is toughen up and let it be. It's normal when you're rebounding to put all your stock in someone else. Get an involved life of your own with activities and friends. Learn somethign. Take a class. Once you estalish that life you wont be so crushed when a friend or lover gets flakey on you.

Stay away from sex until you are more self assured. No. I'm not a religious abstinence freak. I am talking about evolutional psychology and a thing called petocin. It's a chemical that is released in a women's body when she has significant physical contact that forms a bond, an emotional attachment that is hard to break. It happens when you're breastfeeding. It happens when you have sex. It tricks you sometimes. I hate the stuff I used to anyway. But back to you. You don't need the additional hurt that comes form a premature physical attachment.

Do you still have chance? Yes. But back off. Seriously. He's flaky and over sensitive right now. Although he started things too. He will feel backed into a corner because, like I said he is already uncomfortable with what he may have started. Let him contact you but don't dump your pain on him or talk about heavy things like your divorce, the two of you etc. Just chill. I mean turn it down a few degrees. Don't be an ice queen-just a carefree comfortable cool breeze. A self assured cool breeze who isn't always too avaialable. (BTW "needy" and "available" are so unattractive to most men this one too)This is what I see as your only chance as I focus in on him. Frankly, I think you may get over him by then.

[elizagirl]

You are exactly correct about him getting over someone. He was seeing someone recently and she broke up with him very suddenly. He says he is over it but I know he isn't. I'm not looking for anything serious with him. I just miss my friend. We haven't really talked in 2 or 3 days now and it sucks. I miss him. I miss having someone to talk to! I don't want to bug him though. I am hanging back and letting him come to me when he is ready. I just hope he does. He will right...the friendship isn't lost is it???

I'm not sure I am ready for any type of relationship other than friendship with anyone. I have a lot to sort out in my head. But tell me this if you can. Someone is going to come along though right? I mean I am doing the right thing and won't be alone forever...Whether it is him (down the road of course) or someone else. I am really scared of being alone forever!