very lost,depressed and confused

[3girls1boy]

I have been married for 14 years but havent really been happy for awhile. Im a very emotional person who needs support and understanding but my husband just doesnt seem to give this to me. At times he is cold and seems un-caring among other problems we are having. Anyway i recently met someone who does not live anywhere near me but we talk online and the phone. From the moment we first met i have felt a connection to him and he say's he feels the same. I am falling head over heals for him even though he is the total opposite of anyone i would have thought to be with. I have looked beyond his physical appearance and truly feel like im in love with his soul the person he is inside and nothing else matters. Not his looks or his job. I dont want to put a 14 year relationship in the toilet or ruin my whole life or the lives of my children for some silly little crush but my insides are telling me this is more. im so confused and lost. I have never had this happen to me in all the years i have been married and wasnt looking for anything now. i feel like i have died inside and am scared that if I let this pass by I could be missing my one true love that I have been waiting for my entire life. My current husband is a very good father and provider but we just dont mesh well. I love him but he just doesnt provide me with what I need and I have been trying to talk to him about this for years. Please help me before i make a mistake i might regret. Thank you so very much!
Shannon

[Kathy N]

Shannon,
I sense that you already know that you should put the needs of your children first in any decision that you will make. Have you talked to your husband about the possiblity of couples counseling? It seems that he is just not an openly affectionate person, but he loves you and your children.

What do you really know about this person who you met on-line? Often in these cases, in reality people are not who they say they are. I urge you to be very cautious. You connected with him at a time in your life when he appeared to have all of the qualities that you are needing. If you were to meet, you might be very disappointed. I urge you to try to reconnect on an emotional level with your husband. As you said, he is a good father and provider. Your children are still young and need their parents. Please don't give up your family for someone who you don't actually know.

Please give this serious thought, and please keep in touch to let us know how things are working out for you.

[3girls1boy]

Thank you very much for answering my question! My husband and I really dont get along and often go days without even talking and when we do its arguing. I just wonder if thats really good for the children. we have discussed counseling and do plan to go but the emotional needs I have and need Im not sure he can ever provide and i dont want to live the rest of my life feeling un loved and resentment towards him.
This other person I feel has been very up front with telling me details about his life that most people wouldnt want others to know and he really hasnt sugar coated anything. As far as us making a connection once we meet I really dont know. I do know he isnt anything i would normally consider being with but My soul feels something deep for this person and even before ever speaking I was drawn to him for some reason. I do know that I could be dissapointed but right now im hating every bit of my life its not good for anyone. My oldest daughter also feels no love from my husband ( he is her step-father )

[Kathy N]

It is important right now not to confuse the two issues. You are not happy in your marriage, but you should not expect fulfillment from someone that you hardly know. It is important that you and your husband communicate and decide if you both want to save your marriage. If you both feel that it is not working, then you should work out a solution to separate. You would need financial as well as emotional support. Your husband would have a responsibility for his natural children. There would also be a need for shared custody arrangements.

Even though you feel that your new friend has been open and honest with you, how do you know that what he tells you is the truth? You did mention that he is not someone who you would normally be attracted to. Right now he is saying the things that he knows you want to hear. You could end up encountering some vast differences in beliefs and lifestyles if you were to pursue a relationship with this man. I sense that it would stand less than a 30% chance of being successful.

So right now I encourage you to focus on your family and decide what would be the best for all of you.

Best wishes,