professional direction

[flowlove]

I believe my previous post failed to go through: my apologies if I'm posting twice.
Was hoping for help getting a grasp on my future. I have been spinning my wheels and so wrapped up in relationship issues my vision for myself as a successful person has not materialized. I have issues with lack of confidence or self worth, and I am one who sees her worth through other's eyes. I am an Aquarian. I'm almost 40, single but in a weird relationship, very lonely for a solid, happy life. I am a consultant, managing projects, have had a few medicore contracts but nothing on the horizon. And I have a vision for myself to become this (please don't laugh) glamorous, well-respected "pillar of the community," my name on a book jacket, very admired, confident, and financially independent without the struggle. I admit part of me wants this so my boyfriend respects me more, sure, but I also know I need this no matter what to be fulfilled. I am not happy living this way. I would like to be so financially secure and so admired that I would not have to worry about whether my relationship works or not, but instead he would clamor to me; that I would walk down the street and people here would know me as a successful, very highly regarded and respected person, and that I would have options and live a very honest, very proud and fulfilled life, with direction, without lonliness, with no more games, and with respect and success. My question is, is it possible to be this person in a short period of time? Am I on the right track and does anyone see me as potentially being this respected, financially independent, very successful and fulfilled person? What adjustments (of course confidence issues, begging for a relationship and procrastinating doesn't help) need I make?

[Candice Kennedy]

Believe it or not, when I first started reading this before I got to the part where you want your boyfriend to think more of you, etc my first psychic instinct was,"she is a 'consultant' 'managing projects' in this field because she thinks it is a respectable position and that others will think so too.. That's it. There is no other reason. She is not passionate at all about her current career." You are bored and unfulfilled. That is why your success is mediocre. You need passion and purpose. You are not one who is simply satisfied with income or stability.

Besides the lack of passion in your career, the lack of fulfillment or feeling of not being accepted by your boyfriend is really holding you back from even knowing what your truth and purpose are. Your main motivation cannot be outside validation. That is your deceitful ego working you over. That is one voice you must get out of your head. When ego plays a major role in your goals and decisions, you will never know yourself and will not be open to the total loving relationship you long for. As I focus in on your boyfriend, I feel a slight coldness that I don't really like. He's "okay". He's not a monster but he's not super loving or passionate either. He puts himself first and I also pick up very strongly that no matter what you accomplish--you could win a Nobel peace prize-- he would not love, accept or respect you anymore than he does now. He posses a certain numbness and these emotional limits stem back to his childhood and you cant save him. He does not want to change. Some like it hot. Some like it lukewarm. He's in the lukewarm category. If you try to make things hot or warmer, he will add "cold" to get the temp back to lukewarm.

On a more positive note. Your goals of being distinguished well known and a successful writer are no laughing matter.You are not weird or childish. Anyone who says so is bitter and has no business giving their stinky opinion. I applaud your honesty and boldness for including it in your post. I want you to pick up a a notebook and start a journal. On page 1, write down those specific goals. All incredibly successful people Journal like obsessed freaks and write down their goals very specifically. So do that. For the first 20 minutes of your day when you first wake up "journal" for 20 minutes. Just write the first things that come to your head even if it's gibberish. Trust me it will all make sense later. Just do it.That is the only way you are going to get to know yourself better so you can achieve status you desire and I want you to achieve that. I also recommend that you pick up a book called Artists Way (I cant remember if it's "the artists way" or just "artists way".) It contains profound information and step by step exercises for you to break the barriers in your heart and soul and find yourself and your personal truth.

I wish the very best for you. Please post back and let me know how you are doing.