First, be careful about blaming yourself. That's not going to help either. A lot of these things occur on deep unconscious levels. It's good to take personal responsibly that we are participating in these things on some level, but find another way of looking at it that doesn't leave you blaming yourself.
As far as
meditation, I think most approaches are a waste of time. They don't go deep enough or they simply don't provide benefits at all. Most of the time, you will find methods that try to get you to sit still for an hour while trying not to think. This does not work for most people, so they give up and write off
meditation all together.
I went through a lot of different systems before I found something that actually works. I took
LifeLeap's
Life Mastery Program (see
psychic training) and I have to say it's that best mediation approach I've ever seen. It's not just about
psychic development. The
psychic abilities are more of a side effect of the inner healing, emotional control that go along with the course. The techniques are simple, doable, don't take a lot of time, and they are powerful.
I've used the approach to work though a lot of my emotional, spiritual,and physical conditions (sickness). I've experienced unbelievable results. I'm not here to sell you anything, although if you are serious about healing through your situation, I would get in touch with them. I think they might be making some changes right now (the site appears to be under update), but it wouldn't hurt to give them a call/email them to see if you might be able to get enrolled. Hope this helps.