Marriage Advice

[Lostlove34]

My husband has met someone he thinks he has feelings for. He says he is struggling on whether to stay and fight for us or go be with her. We have a 16-month old son and we both need his father very much. I am wondering if he will pick his family over her and fight for us or will he run with her? Please help me, I can't eat, sleep, for constant fear of him leaving.

[Kathy N]

I am a student of the Life Mastery Program and am fairly new at giving advice, but this is what I am sensing--
Your husband says "he thinks" he might have feelings for this woman. This could possibly be a game with him. He knows what he should do. He is not about to give up his family for something that is not a sure thing. I sense that she is not serious about him and there is a probable chance that she does not know that he is married. This is possibly nothing more than a mild flirtation, but it is not an acceptable action for a married man.

It is easier said than done, but if you were to ignore his comments about this other woman and act like you don't care one way or the other, how do you think he would react? Most men do not tell their wives that they have feelings for another woman. This appears to be a game of mind control, which you do not need to be a part of. I know that you love your husband and your son. You must remain strong for the sake of your son, but try to have a "back-up" plan to provide for your son. The chances are more in your favor that your husband will stick around, but he appears to be immature and this is most likely not the last game that he will play.

Please keep in touch and let us know how you are doing.

[Lostlove34]

Thanks for the reply, I do know for a fact that she knows that he is married because I have found her cell phone number and have sent her a few texts warning her to back off. So now I can only wait I guess, I have been contemplating leaving just to let him see what it would be like without us (my son and I) at home but why should I be the one who leaves since he is the one with her on his mind. I keep thinking he will snap out of this and do the right thing. I just do not know how long I can wait for this to happen. It has already been a month since he told me about her. This has been the longest month of my life and I don't know what else to do. My husband has always been mature but he is nearing 30 so maybe it is some type of guy crisis. I don't know. I just wish there was something that I could do to make him realize that she is only playing a game with him. She has just turned 21 and is still in college but he seems to be infatuated. What else can I do?

[Kathy N]

You are definitely right about not being the one who should move out of your home. I don't think this young girl has thought about the "big picture", meaning that if your husband should choose to be with her that he is still going to have a responsibility for you and your son. Has your husband considered consulting an attorney? Hopefully he realizes that he will have a financial obligation to support your son until he reaches the age of 18. He may also be financially obligated to assist you for a time. This might not be acceptable to this young girl. It is doubtful that either of them have considered these factors.

The future is not etched in stone, but I have a feeling that if he should leave to be with her, there is a 60% chance that he will want to come back to be with you and your son. The question is how long are you willing to tolerate this immature behavior? Since he told you about it a month ago and is still there this is a sign that he is undecided. Also by you not telling him to "go" he can't complain that you "kicked him out".

For your sake and that of your son, please consider consulting an attorney. You need to know your rights in the event of a separation, or eventual divorce. That way you can "place all your cards on the table" and hopefully cause your husband to think things through. If he makes the decision to stay with his family, I would definitely ask him for the two of you to go to some type of family counseling. He needs to learn to stop playing these games.

[Lostlove34]

Well my husband will be out of my house by Wednesday, I have left now and am currently staying at my parents. I told him just to call me when he had his decision and maybe if it was the right one I would still be there. I just was to the end of my rope last night with him and didn't know what else to do. I so desperately want him to come to his senses and choose me and his son but right now I really don't know what he will do. Any advice on my next step will be appreciated. I just wish I could see the future and see if he will still be with me.

[Kathy N]

I am truly sorry that you are having to experience the heartbreak of this separation. Actually, the future is not etched in stone. I am still feeling that there is a 60% chance that he will want to return to his family, although it may take some months. By that time you may have realized that you have some other options and you might not want him to come back.

It sounds as if you have the house, but please, please consult an attorney as soon as humanly possible. You need to make sure that you and your son are protected financially. I sense that your husband has not thoroughly thought out his plans for his living arrangements. Example: How easy is life going to be with a college student? She may not be ready for this or even want it.

Also, please don't let him come back unless he agrees to some family counseling. You will stay strong for the sake of your son.

Please keep in touch to let us know how you are doing.

[Lostlove34]

You are right on the living arrangements. He is going to ask his parents to move in with them. I am hoping with this humility of asking them that he will see how much easier it is to stay at home and work this out. We have been together for 11 years. I know or knew him really well. He has become the one person he hates. He use to always say he couldn't stand a cheater. This girl is everything he said he never liked, from piercings to tattoos, long hair. She does not fit his description of what he always told me he liked. I don't know what got into him. Is there anything I can do to help him see what the right thing to do would be. I am so scared right now about the uncertainty of our future. I really don't know how life will be without him. I need something that will trigger the "old" him and bring back all of the feelings that he once felt for me. He says the only reason he is unhappy at home is his feelings for this girl. I just need a way to make him forget about her. I have stopped calling him at the times that I normally would have, trying the whole "abscence makes the heart grow fonder" direction. I don't know if that will work or not but I am hopeful. Anymore advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks~

[Kathy N]

What do you want to bet that when he asks to move back in with his parents that he won't tell them the whole story? They are eventually going to find out and he is going to have to listen to their opinions on all of this.

He is going to have to see for himself that the girl is not right for him, or to be around your son. That is why it is extremely important for you to consult an attorney to work out the foundation for a custody arrangement.

Also please consult an attorney regarding financial support, as this was his choice to move out to be with his girlfriend. I still sense that it may take some time before he realizes what he has done and that he misses his family. Again, please don't be willing to take him back unless he agrees to counseling.

Please keep in touch to let us know how your are doing--

[Lostlove34]

Well it has been almost a week since my husband has moved in with his parents. I have not talked to him since Sunday. This has been the hardest thing to do. One thing that really hurts is that he has not even checked on our son. I don't know what is going on with him but he is definitely not himself. I am hoping that he will see how much he misses us, but since he hasn't gotten in touch with me, I don't know. Any insight on how long I should wait for him. Should I write him off or wait. Part of me wants to wait forever but part of me can't believe he ever left. What should I do????

[Kathy N]

It is easier said than done, but right now you need to wait. You are not ready to make any major decisions, and it is difficult to move on. Please don't forget about contacting an attorney. You are going to need financial assistance and a custody arrangement for your son. These things work much better when the rules are put in place and enforced thru a legal agreement.

Things may take awhile. Your husband is in the process of contemplating his next move. I don't expect that he will be living with his parents indefinitely. It may take a few months for him to tire of his girlfriend, or for her to become dis-enchanted with him. He is going to want to see his son. That is why it is important to have visitation arrangements in place.

Only you can decide when it is time for you to move on. You need to give youself some time to decide how you feel. Other than making sure that you have the necessary legal protection, you might be better not to make any major decisions until after the holidays, like around the first of next year--

Take Care!